No, I didn't say "sex with your ex." I didn't say "giving it another shot."
I said revision.
People never change an addiction, condition, identity, orientation or need. Don't expect your ex to "get over" depression or "pray the gay away." But a person's circumstances can change their priorities, schedule, location, rhythm, responsibilities, worldview, mood, disposition, finances, self efficacy, sense of purpose...etc. This is not to say that those things will change, and exes should not jump into revision assuming a change has or will occur, but it is possible.
My boyfriend and I modulated back and forth between levels of relationships for the first 5 years of being an item. We, like many other couples, decided to revise because the traditional relationship wasn't working, but neither was separation. Each time we revised something, the balance improved and we had to tweak it less. But what made our revision process successful, among other things, was collaboration. If you can adult pretty well, you can revise a relationship where there's potential. Keep the following in mind:
1. Be objective.
If you do decide to revise, it can't spring from a place of loneliness. There's a necessary level of detachment to effectively observe your own relationship. Revising a relationship is emotionally closer to starting from scratch than it is starting from "where you left off." And why would you want to start from where you left off anyway? That was a terrible place.
2. No expectations.
This doesn't mean you can't have desires or hopes, but it's easier if you don't. You're discovering new territory, not trying to find your way back into old territory. You both need space to grow, so allow yourselves a comfortable amount of freedom.
3. Be creative.
"You need danger and I need safety but we still need each other. So I bought you skydiving lessons for your birthday. I will be on the ground with a camera."
4. Have a thick skin.
You'll find things that will work and things that won't. When things "don't" work, don't take it personally. Things didn't work before either, so revising will involve dancing around those feelings.
5. Use history to your advantage.
Remember each other's buttons? Don't press them. They are in fact still there, so make sure nothing is in the vicinity of that dashboard. When upset, don't give into your first reaction. Take some breaths, be objective, and search for a solution.
6. Remember the love languages
If you didn't think about it (much) the first time, think about it now. Don't just learn what their love language is. Learn to SPEAK their language. If they're acts-of-service, come over and help them with a chore. If they're quality time, set aside a whole night to be together without stressing about what's going to happen during that time.
7. Revision? That.
If you didn't think about it (much) the first time, think about it now. Don't just learn what their love language is. Learn to SPEAK their language. If they're acts-of-service, come over and help them with a chore. If they're quality time, set aside a whole night to be together without stressing about what's going to happen during that time.
7. Revision? That.
If you've an artist, director, or student, you know that word means work, but you also know it means improvement. Put rejection and doubts aside for the sake of the product. Foundational changes come first, smaller changes later. As Neil Gaiman said (about writing), "If you hit a place where it stops working, go back to where it was working, and go from there."
