So I’ve been obsessed with Cody Johnston’s “Some More News” for a minute. I’m an avid consumer of humor-news by people with "John" somewhere in their name, and Cody’s blend of sharp-shooting, feral despair has this feminist goblin screaming.
I can never resist a calculated take-down of one of my favorite nemeses, Jimbleberry Peterson. And about 40 minutes in, Jim-Jam’s (completely original) theory of hierarchy comes into discussion, with the absolute wackiest and biologically unrelated example: When lobsters win fights, they puff up and get bigger. Losing lobsters shrink and get smaller. When you inject serotonin in a lobster, it puffs up. Therefore. Hierarchies are an important and necessary part of life. But Jimmers isn’t a neo-nazi. (Yes, I am purposefully using secondary sources because my hexes run deep, and Jimmy isn’t getting a click of attention from me.)
Anyway, it’s the same incel-redpill-alpha-male poison that lonely men consistently fall prey to, believing that their problems have nothing to do with 1) the difficulties of modern dating 2) the increasing isolation of society 3) poor listening skills 4) the difficulties of sharing and adapting in relationships 5) not employing relationship strategies that have been researched and peer-reviewed.
Nope. It’s that I don’t go to the gym enough and don’t double-down in my decisions. I need to be less flexible. That’s what women like. The problem isn’t what happened in my last relationship. It’s that I don’t have enough hot women around me that I control.
As I’ve said, and am sticking to despite the challenges of the non-monogamous community, I (am genuinely attempting to) distance myself from straight men. In the past 4 months, I’ve laid down hard boundaries with male friends about what I will and won’t talk about with them anymore (which is super freeing, and I would highly recommend this to many women).
So here I am, in a peaceful, yet pretty lonely, world of my own creation. I am finally free to think about whatever I want. And here I am, still thinking about men. Does anyone else struggle passing their own Bechdel test? I feel a tinge of guilt when I notice myself thinking too deeply about a man I used to see or am currently seeing. Thinking about them in a way I know they’re not thinking about me, because we’ve each been trained to fulfill these roles. Thinking about them in ways that have held me back, kept me in terrible relationships, or compromised my peace or joy. Thinking about how I was lied to, and how desperately I wanted to believe the lie, and how hard it is to rip off the bandaid and beat your head against reality.
And then I see shit like Jiggle Biggle. And I realize, I’m not the only one who’s struggling with this balance. Let’s look deeper than the Bechdel test, which isn’t about how women actually are, but about how men think about women. I’ve never seen a man pass the Bechdel test, meaning (if I may flip the script here), talking about a woman without making evident, however subtle, how much he wants to have sex with her. And I don’t just mean in film.
In college (a shitty time for all of us), one of my best male friends told me that no guy is friends with a girl without “holding out some hope” that he’ll get to hook up with her.
My college ex claimed not only that every male looks at a woman and immediately contemplates whether or not he’d have sex with her (fair enough, I do this too), but that any man who doesn’t do this (including my then-cis hetero boyfriend who is now my cis hetero husband) isn’t straight. And therefore, you can’t expect to not be objectified by any man you want a relationship with. Which is super convenient for men who objectify women and don’t want to put in the work to evolve.
Ever since these conversations, I can’t help but shiver a little when I hear clips from mainstream shows (How I Met Your Mother, Friends, Big Bang Theory, That 70s Show) debating whether or not “men and women can be friends.” Interestingly enough, the women always say yes, and the men always say no.
And yet, men don’t see themselves as the problem, but as part of an unalterable universal truth–which means they don’t have to change. That’s why the alpha-male philosophy is so popular and lucrative, despite the fact that it literally repels women.
Hey, want something fun? Here’s Jiggly Puff explaining that lipstick sends men into an uncontrollable thirst-frenzy.
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So. Maybe healthy, intentional, flourishing headspace is hard for everyone. As a writer, it’s a priority for me, even if I fall into my own “natural” but entirely alterable neurological patterns. I certainly invest a lot in my own therapy. You’ll never hear me say “it doesn’t work,” because it isn’t supposed to be doing the work–I am.
