The Ashley Madison Affair Documentary

My throuple and I watched The Ashley Madison Affair on Hulu.  As a poly woman, I wasn’t super interested, but I’m always down for a documentary with my partners.

From the first moments Noel Biderman spoke (from collected interviews), I recognized him immediately.  Not personally, but personality-wise.  The poly community is rampant with these opportunistic fucks.  They aren’t drawn to the ethics, egalitarianism, science, or anthropological history of polyamory.  They just look around the room and see opportunities for sexual exploitation.  No reading or listening to the plethora of polyamorous materials, no communication, just in-and-out.

So yes, I saw Noel like I’ve seen dozens of poly men, and thought, “Well, this should at least be entertaining.  What’s he gonna get himself into.”  It was a predictable fall.  Like any American who starts seeing success, he buys expensive cars, starts seeing himself as superior to everyone else, and gets in a bunch of legal trouble that he may have been able to avoid with a little more finesse and humility.

But what struck me about this documentary is the clear undeniability of the following:

1. Cheating happens almost half the time in relationships that are assumed to be exclusive.  It might be as high as the divorce rate.

2. People are gutted when they find that they’ve been cheated on.  It’s a pain so great that they double over with symptoms of physical illness.

So I’m going to join the echo chamber along with Esther Perel, Christopher Ryan, Cacilda Jetha, and many more authors. 

-Monogamy is a wonderful and challenging thing, but it needs to stop being the default.  Let’s raise a glass to chosen monogamy–when two people have talked (and continue to talk) about the options, and decide firmly upon exclusivity with each other.

-No one should have zero conversation around what you want sexually.  

-The choice to be exclusive doesn’t mean you’ll never want other people or that you’ll always want your partner.  This doesn’t mean that either of you are unattractive or unloveable.

-The structure you want from your relationships (mono or poly, open or closed) won’t always stay the same.  Sometimes you’ll want one of them, sometimes you’ll want another.

-Desire does not always accompany love, nor love desire.  These are two different forces.  It’s wonderful when they align, but they don’t always.

-Sex is not a measurement of love or value.  It’s great when it happens, but celibacy does not mean you are unattractive or unloveable. 

-You’re allowed to consent to sex that you know you won’t enjoy as much as your partner, if you want to give them something.

-You’re allowed to turn down sex that you would otherwise really enjoy for any reason.  (Stress, uncertainty about the relationship, fatigue, not being mentally present)

-The continued learning and talking about sex will indeed result in better sex for you and your partner.

I think different sexual communities can learn a lot from each other.  I think we need to keep the door of communication open between polyamorous and monogamous people without judgment.  

Fleabag (If John Mulaney gets to be late to Back-to-the-Future, I can be late to this)

The industry has long been obsessed with shows about single, messy, white women in low-paying jobs. See Single Drunk Female, Two Broke Girls, The Mick, Broad City, and Lesser Things, to name a few.  Their emotional unavailability is always a big deal.  However, unlike traditional television where the seemingly nice man "breaks through" to the woman's trust**, the men are more realistically disappointing.

This dynamic is delightfully self-aware in Fleabag.  The protagonist tells us in the second episode, "I'm not obsessed with sex.  I just can't stop thinking about it.  The performance of it.  The awkwardness of it.  The drama of it.  The moment you realize somebody wants your body.  Not so much the feeling of it."  These are the words of a woman who has done time in Heterosexia.

My favorite thing about Fleabag's sex life is that in a cathartic twist, it's the men who are disappointed at the end of each date.  Because Fleabag always remains in control.  Harry wants her to only orgasm from him--not even to masturbate.  Martin straight-up molests her and hates her for not giving in.  The male retreat next to the female retreat literally screams "SLUT" every hour on the hour.  The man-child in episode 3 gets everything he wants from the date and still hates Fleabag at the end, for...?  Not falling in love after a single date?  Not throwing her arms around him and begging him to be her boyfriend?

In a pitiful confession, the man-child says, "You don't grow up with teeth like these and not-notice when someone is faking it."  Which is hilarious, because he didn't seem to notice (or mind) that they weren't connecting the whole night leading up to that moment.

I'm enjoying the reality of disappointing sex in Fleabag, and how it throws shots at the patriarchal fantasies of Heterosexia.  But I'm also looking forward to more shows where women are happily single/playing.  Queer women.  Straight women.  Trans.  Cis.  Non-binaries living in sexual freedom.  I'm so fatigued with how much people ask single women in television, "Are you really happy?" or "Are you alone?" as if the only happiness is through romance, and the only way to not-be-alone is to have a monogamous partner who both lives with you and has sex with you.  No one (on TV) asks powerful men whether they're happy or feel alone, and from what I've read in the threads, they'd really like to be asked that more often.  

(I'm looking at you, men.  Ask each other this.  Women are done taking care of you.)

Shrill is a great step in this direction, and I've heard wonderful things from Everything's Trash, which may have to be next on my list.  

Let's get some happy, slutty, liberated women who actually enjoy their time alone.  I want some scenes of happy women drinking wine in bed and masturbating, because the bed is actually a fantastic place for those refreshing activities.

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**What?  You mean that 2 weeks of him "putting it all on the line" (consistently treating her like a person) isn't enough for her to trust him??  What more do you want??