My throuple and I watched The Ashley Madison Affair on Hulu. As a poly woman, I wasn’t super interested, but I’m always down for a documentary with my partners.
From the first moments Noel Biderman spoke (from collected interviews), I recognized him immediately. Not personally, but personality-wise. The poly community is rampant with these opportunistic fucks. They aren’t drawn to the ethics, egalitarianism, science, or anthropological history of polyamory. They just look around the room and see opportunities for sexual exploitation. No reading or listening to the plethora of polyamorous materials, no communication, just in-and-out.
So yes, I saw Noel like I’ve seen dozens of poly men, and thought, “Well, this should at least be entertaining. What’s he gonna get himself into.” It was a predictable fall. Like any American who starts seeing success, he buys expensive cars, starts seeing himself as superior to everyone else, and gets in a bunch of legal trouble that he may have been able to avoid with a little more finesse and humility.
But what struck me about this documentary is the clear undeniability of the following:
Cheating happens almost half the time in relationships that are assumed to be exclusive. It might be as high as the divorce rate.
People are gutted when they find that they’ve been cheated on. It’s a pain so great that they double over with symptoms of physical illness.
So I’m going to join the echo chamber along with Esther Perel, Christopher Ryan, Cacilda Jetha, and many more authors.
-Monogamy is a wonderful and challenging thing, but it needs to stop being the default. Let’s raise a glass to chosen monogamy–when two people have talked (and continue to talk) about the options, and decide firmly upon exclusivity with each other.
-No one should have zero conversation around what you want sexually.
-The choice to be exclusive doesn’t mean you’ll never want other people or that you’ll always want your partner. This doesn’t mean that either of you are unattractive or unloveable.
-The structure you want from your relationships (mono or poly, open or closed) won’t always stay the same. Sometimes you’ll want one of them, sometimes you’ll want another.
-Desire does not always accompany love, nor love desire. These are two different forces. It’s wonderful when they align, but they don’t always.
-Sex is not a measurement of love or value. It’s great when it happens, but celibacy does not mean you are unattractive or unloveable.
-You’re allowed to consent to sex that you know you won’t enjoy as much as your partner, if you want to give them something.
-You’re allowed to turn down sex that you would otherwise really enjoy for any reason. (Stress, uncertainty about the relationship, fatigue, not being mentally present)
-The continued learning and talking about sex will indeed result in better sex for you and your partner.
I think different sexual communities can learn a lot from each other. I think we need to keep the door of communication open between polyamorous and monogamous people without judgment.
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